| quick sand |
[Feb. 1st, 2008|03:48 am] |
my spirits are stuck to your sole
tramps digging in the dirt
im squished again into the soil
im not pretending. this really hurts
you are consumed with your self.
you stick your syringe into my skin
over and over im injected just for you to pretend its okay
to be fiending like you do
for your precious little drugs
when they flex their arms for you
do they swoon back? |
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| The Black River |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|04:22 am] |
down from my heart
flows a black river
down from my soul
crying out for something he can't give me
more than this...
dirt broken and raining shit
his fists just beat me down
so why didnt i get up and fly
blackbird seen me sign my life away
blackbird seen me sing my sorrows
those that promise too much should never be trusted
those that control you with fear should never be trusted
down from my heart
the black river goes
marking up my eyes
where nothing light can flow
crying out for something that i know i should be
more than this...
dirt broke and raining shit
kicking rocks and smashed to bits
blackbird seen me resign cuz i was blind
blackbird seen me sing for the hopes to fly
why didnt i just fly?
why didnt i just fly?
(lyrics to song to be released next year sometime.....) |
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| violet, who never forgets. |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|05:17 pm] |
i came back
running at a crazy pace
came to my senses
the grass is thinning
on both sides of the fence
dont look so sad, violet
its just life
and ill wrap you all around me tied
up like a ribbon
i promise its unending
i promise its the real thing
at least for now
and time is an illusion
this love is elusive
when it touches down on you
you've gotta let yourself feel
you've gotta let yourself feel
dont look so sad, violet
its just life
and ill wrap you all around me tied
up like a ribbon
you were panic stricken
stuck to the bottom of his mean black boots
getting trampled
beyond recognition
but i came back
running at a crazy pace
you see i love you and i have since the first day
but you've gotta let me in
you've gotta let yourself feel
you've gotta let yourself feel me
let me in
you've gotta let yourself feel
you've gotta let yourself feel me. |
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| poll |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|08:11 pm] |
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| brushing dust off |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|07:31 pm] |
i forgot this was here for a bit.
its full of things from 2 years ago. i was just rereading
im in a much better place now... |
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| ya... |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|08:43 am] |
i dont know what to do with you.
the war erupts. knives clash. and i choke on the smoke.
im looking right into you.
visualizing
flat on my stomach on a block of ice
to cool the ache
my world is slowly melting down into a pool of fire.
im losing my grasp on what's right and what's wrong
and wedged into the dimension where you are my husband
and i remember how it feels when you hold me under the waves.
and i remember how to crush your mouth.
and i remember how to make you blush.
. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|03:33 am] |
i need to let some things out.
the demise of my last relationship has left a huge crater in my life.
i can't ignore it or make it smaller.
its just there.
tonight i went for a walk around the crater.
i kicked up some dust and took some measurements.
i dont know who i am right now.
im someone else.
the girl i was has been shed
i shed her like snakeskin
i put flowers on her grave.
every day i get a new clue to this riddle of what ive become
i walk around my new apartment and slowly rearrange it
i let new people in
i can breathe deeper
im starting to see what is really important.
i miss him.
i miss us.
i wouldnt go back.
but i miss it anyway.
those things you could never describe to anyone
the parts that only our two eyes saw and witnessed.
us.
no one will ever be able to take it away or understand it.
no one will ever be able to make it easier.
it is what it is.
im recovering from my first real life lost love.
the first one that i stuck through with til the bitter end.
i put all my chips on his number.
ive learned.
i grew up
i feel tired.
im trying to recapture the bits and pieces that were flung out from my center when i lost my gravity.
i am lonely.
my head is talkative.
flowers bloom. |
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| internal weapons |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|07:04 pm] |
internal weapons
ive got armies of soldiers battling inside of me
blood and guts splayed across every inch
its not a pretty picture.
ive grown tired of ignoring my heavy heart
i just want to kill it
it takes too much of the best that i've got.
anger is my queen
and she is not amused
i am not her faithfull subject.
i pray for peace as i kneel at her alter
i beg for angels to carry me off
her wars seem pointless.
my enemy terrifies.
as he leads a stealth attack
into the deepest parts of me
all my jewels traded for glass
i shake with betrayal
eyes downcast.
i don't want revenge.
full to the brim with sorrow
i silently pray for the end. |
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| here is a slice from my heavy heart. |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|06:41 pm] |
this month has been hard.
i found out my boyfriend cheated on me alot when i was gone.
i have been away in chicago trying to finish up the record. it was a swift punch to the gut.
my fans have been rallying around me. thank god.
as i finish this record i have been asking for help to start getting the word out. when i checked today i was so touched
the strawboard www.djali.ipbhost.com had made about twenty banners and logos.. ect.
www.myspace.com/strawberry <---you can see them there on my blog
(as well as some very angry writing if you read further.. heh.)
ive been snipping out the damage slowly with my finger knives.
sometimes it feels like breathing through a reed underwater.
im ready to take flight on the wings of my blackbird when i finally press this record.
here's to the fight!
xx
strawberry |
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| my knees are buzzing |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|01:54 am] |
ive lost my footing
im floating up somewhere in the clouds tonight
what's the matter with me now
ive traced and retraced my old excuses
time to dig a new rut
i dont want to be a grown up
im polarizing
my new tattoo stings
bored with the ailments that afflict
bored with the wounds i cannot lick
bright lights come rushing to the forefront
a slideshow of unreal reality
was i really there?
was that really me? |
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| a nameless girl |
[May. 2nd, 2005|08:33 pm] |
it come rushing back
those sequestered fears
can't you protect me, love?
from the jokes and subtle sneers
from pandora's box it leers
can't you sew it shut for my sake?
im powerless while you echo back
from the far corners of the world
careless as you tell your tales
a sorry thread, a nameless girl
reminds me of the things i lacked
a timid ghost hung on the walls
disappearing slowly in bathroom stalls
down to an inch from ten feet tall
can't you protect me here at all?
do i still mean less to you?
than a sacrifice for dirty truths
the past unveils what i have done
the blush of shame, i can't outrun
a scarlet letter shadow stretched
to eclipse the searchlight i sent out
in attempt to rescue my shattered will
gone m.i.a., a ghostly kill
can't you protect how i feel?
it doesn't matter now
whatever was
the here and now
is all that does. |
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| hellcat. |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|05:12 pm] |
my thighs are burning.
with all the mess in my head, im still moving on.
a monster climbs into my bed
spider arms and legs keep me warm
i dont know what is going on with me.
bombed by the questions.
i arch my back. i bend into my favorite pretzel.
i put on mascara. i smile and blink flirtatiously
i take off my clothes. i walk around in an open kimono
and nothing.
nothing happens.
0000000000000000
and my heart and my insides scan for the damage.
why am i suddenly untouchable?
am i looking tired? have i lost my tractor beam?
is my black magic worn through?
im so sexually charged that i cry.
my head and my legs hurt.
i need it. to be run over. to be smashed. to be left in splintered pieces and gathered back up and kissed.
im one ball of stress. i can't sit straight
my mind is raging with dirt and business.
i need a tornado to ravage me
and spill my pulse |
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| c'mon. |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|03:22 pm] |
i can't control it.
fuck.
so all the rage is donated to the same fat cat god that is breathing static onto my skin
vocals.vocals.vocals.
singing about something and someone ill never know.
i never did.
miss apple said "never is a promise"
here its just the truth.
i loved. and i flew. and i shut my goddamn mouth and waited for a better plan.
ive never been afraid of rejection.. but i was getting tired of the wildfire hints that went absolutely nowhere.
pianos and whispers and stolen looks.
i was the ghost wandering the walls, trying to stay invisible for what i thought was the greater good.
lost in utah. lost in chicago. lost in l.a.
til i suckerpunched the outcome.
til i said what the hell am i doing here.. i dont want this.. and then i got the hell out.
stick by stick and brick by brick ive built up a place that i can call my own
and i can love the contents and be content.
i can be a hooker and an orator and a silent painter
a fighter a hellraiser a cabaret performer
ITS NOT A SIN TO FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL
just dont sit in the muck.
and let the tick tock tick tock clock expire you. |
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| rolling |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|03:22 am] |
i go in waves. my writing abilities go in and out of focus.
im just to afraid to tell the truth these days.
at least, not in the guts out flaws examined way i used to.
there are too many skeletons rattling in my closet. the momentos from the tiny murders that slashed 2004
pock marked year.
im inconsistent
im not ready yet to sift through it.
some parts are translucently thin
and others are black scabby scales.
i had suicide attempts, near death experiences, someone swinging a heart wrench, i fell in love, met the most fucked up people i could ever meet.
i moved twice, three times.
wrote my record. my output was the strongest its ever been.
i had health problems. friend problems. eating disorder problems.
it was just one of those years where everything hits at once. shitstorm.
now that everything is evening out ive got the leftover anxious shake
still shadowboxing, on some broken toes.
im not suspicious anymore. i Know what monsters are lurking in the night.
i know that most people cannot be trusted.
so im trying to balance the armor, and still be the parts of me that i really like.
i like most people even if they are shit.. i just gauge how far im gonna let them in in the first five minutes.
parts of me are starving.
i can't figure it out.
i just feel these black spots
blank pages.
repressed memories?
lack of the ability to cope.
and now im self conscious about things i never was before.
i think its the suckerpunch of the world.
they start picking out the things that they dont agree with in you and then start putting in the dents.
they either knock your house down, or you develop a way to cope, like sense of humor, or a bad attitude.. but i want to stay the same. 88%
when people start trying to define me i lose the reasons why i do anything.
i dont know why im dreaming of lines of gray suited stocky military animals with huge industrial machine guns marching against a grey sky STOMP STOMP STOMP )))))))and im a silent film actress bolted to the floor))))))) STOMP STOMP they slowly desolve into crawling sticky blood that moves up to my feet and chokes me inch by inch until the red fingers overtake my head..
then i wake up SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
i dont feel right.
i've been washing my hair. its soft. its wrong.
i miss my slut heels.
i need to try to remember what that was that i found for a minute that snapped me into a straight line of who i was.
snap.
it hurts to love anyone now.
i see the possibilites of hurting a mile away. because when you care about a fuck up its PAIN>
im only masochistic in the bedroom.
i feel like in the ordinary not so ordinary world there is enough chaos to find me. stick needles through my nailbeds.
driven to the point of "i can just Feel myself not handling this..am i cracking up"
i heard her say it and echo my unspoken feeling.
isn't it SHITTY when you feel Guilty for going through the grieving process. like you have to tiptoe around it.. so you don't bum other people out?
i say FUCK IT. feel shit. because i dont want to have to wake up like this all the time.. with these roaches in my subconscious.
skin is not a thick as i thought it was. i saw how thin and vulnerable skin is. paper thin. and this thin layer of skin is all that is keeping us in.
i once watched the tiny capillaries of someone i love puke out thier contents. it terrified me. because as fast as i could try to gather up the bits of life oozing out i never would be able to replace them..
needles and thread.
sick minds. for the person with the sick mind.. from thier perspective they are always the same..
they can't see the subtle enormous changes from the chemicals. from eyecolor to tone of voice. sane to insane. fine.
im not very motherly. i dont know if i ever would be. im more like the big sister. selfish but responsible.
i really would rather be by myself most of the time. i like the voices in my head more than i like most people.
ok.. its three forty five in the morning .. time to go back to those rolling dreams.xx |
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| (from the 2002 may journal.) |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|09:07 pm] |
i was thinking about you.
not clear and formed thoughts.. just blurry snapshots of this and that.
your silent laugh.
there are so many holes in the way i remember you. so many unanswered questions.
i just leaked out desire until it was life threatening and i had to leave.
and even then
when you came searching for my tree, i always gave you shade.
now i search the autumn leaves for pieces of you that might have fallen out, so i can keep a momento.
strands of hair.
familiar smells
cowboy jeans.
where did my years go?
i was full of it then. and now it is just a shiver on my skin.. |
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| HAPPY LOVE DAY... |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|01:06 pm] |
charlie and strawberry sitting in a tree..K I S S I N G
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| what the? rant. |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|01:04 pm] |
what the?
you've got a nerve, but its gotten burnt
you thought you knew what you were, but you weren't
it hurts to see you lose your senses
too much time spent straddling the fences
your legs give out....
your friends are moving on
you hide in your basement and pout
its all gone wrong....make songs....
old relationships offer the comfort of the same thing
with progress you've made killed, the ships are sailing
heartsick, health failing
i'm in my lightning, planning trips to spain.
the all illusive illusion, not so.. its ill. and all you have to do is wish. no ill wish.
spent your formative years memorizing gish...
so stop feeling sorry for yourself.
your fingers itch.
it makes me so mad that i throw my voice.
i bend and i break watching you indecisive. MAKE A CHOICE.
my plane is lifting.
your mind is shifting.. you hide your eyes. your head aches. eat cake.
will you ask your mother what you should do?
when you should be on a stage. all sex and rage.
all the glory that the twenties inspire. wildfire.
so be null. or be here. you haven't even gotten a taste..
so give it up.. or go to waste..
either way i am running out. |
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| H O R S E |
[Dec. 11th, 2004|10:14 pm] |
(short story from M's journal. page 127)
i was sweet sixteen. R and I were at his massive house playing HORSE in his indoor basketball court. We had been swimming in his indoor pool and so i was half wet and wearing his sweats over my swimsuit. He kept telling me stories of his ex, and how she was so fun, and spontaneous. I had a bruise across my right shoulderblade from a trophy he threw at me because i didn't get to his house on time. At that point I had gone into complete denial about the abusive situation i was in. It was easier to shrug it off and try to have fun, than face what was happening. He would always say he was sorry and squeeze me tight and tell me how much he loved me.
It hurt when i lifted my right arm, but somehow i beat him in our first game anyway. He was infuriated and insisted he let me win so that i would let him make out with me after. I said ok, fine, and that we should play in the semi dark and i would beat him again. So, i ran up the stairs and flicked all the lights but the one in the hall off. It was so dark that you could barely make out the hoop, but the corners of the room were pitch black.
He let me start first. I made it. He didn't. I made it. He didn't.. and so on until he had HORS and i had HO. he started to laugh and say he was going to tackle me in the dark since i was a "ho". It was fun at first because i was dodging him in the dark, but then suddenly i smacked ungracefully into a wall. i started to giggle and fell to the floor. He came up on me and put his arms around me. He felt with his hands to where my lips were and he bit them with a growl. I had never let a boy touch me below the waist. His hands started to roam around, but when he tried to touch me there i would squirm away. This turned into a wrestling match/ makeout session in the dark. He kept pinning me, and i kept wiggling out and away. He started to get more and more aggressive.. and i started to tell him to settle down, and that he was being to rough. the more i said this, the more rough he got until i just fell silent. When he had pinned me down completely under him so i couldn't move.. i started to get scared. he said that since i was a "HO" he would give me what i needed. i felt his hands move across my stomach and down his sweats that i was wearing. i started to cry out for him to stop, but all of my words just echoed across the court. his heavy breathing.. i felt his fingers pull my swimsuit aside and they stabbed into me. I told him to stop. and i started to kick my legs.. but that only made what he was doing to me hurt more.. so i started to dig into his back with my nails. he whacked me across the face and i fell still and silent.. the rest has become a blur in my mind...how i saw someone walk by in the hall but they couldn't see us in the dark... how i eventually crawled in the darkness across the court in complete fear.. how he just lay there panting somewhere as i listened to his breath, frozen with shame. i think we stayed there like that for an hour. i was half asleep on the hard floor when i felt his hand touch my face. he started to cry and to tell me over and over how sorry he was. he told me that it would be our secret. he told me that i had just made him so angry.. and i was so hot that he couldn't help it. that if i wouldn't have worn my lowcut swimsuit he wouldn't have done it. that if i told anyone both of our reputations would be destroyed. that no one would believe him anyway because of his dad's status in the community and church. how no one would be my friend.. and finally how much he loved me and was the only one who really saw me for what i was. i stayed silent through all of that.. finally, i told him that it was alright and that it was no big deal.. i just wanted to go home. when we stumbled out into the light of the hall it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust, and then i caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror. a stranger with black rivers smudged down my face, and red splotchy skin. i had a raised red welt on my right cheekbone. my hair was frizzy. i looked like a monster. i ran down the hall to the bathroom because i didnt want him to see me like that.. and cleaned up. i looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that it was okay, that everything was okay, that he didn't mean it. like a zombie i collected my stuff, and my backpack, and he drove me home. i kissed him goodbye on the cheek and said i would see him at school the next day. when i walked into my house my family was playing scrabble at the kitchen table. my mom asked me why there was a welt on my face and i said quickly that the basketball had accidentally bounced into me and that i needed to wash the chlorine out of my hair. i sat in the bath for two hours. i fell asleep in my towel, and the next morning i got up at six and curled my hair, and went to school. the same thing i did everyday. |
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lindastrawberry's journal